compare the tutors response to the original paper and make the necessary corrections. thanks in advanceRunning Head: JUST ANOTHER DREAM
1
Just another Dream: Kidnapped by Raiders
Author
Institution
JUST ANOTHER DREAM
2
Mondays, not my favorite day of the week. I never had a reason to hate the day, but
something always seemed wrong about the first working day or school day, in my case, of the
week. Despite the usual negative attitude towards the day, there was something explicitly
malicious about one Monday morning during the summer period. I woke up, and the sun was up,
and I figured out I was already late for school. This was unusual as mom always woke me up
earlier than other kids to ensure that I made it to school on time because I was too stubborn when
it came to getting out of bed. Every child at my age perceives that as normal, and so there was no
big deal about my reluctance to embrace a new day. Moreover, the school was not one of my
favorite landing spots at the moment, and neither was it my favorite English word in the course
of my learning. Sometimes I wished I learned all other words first with school trailing the list of
my vocabulary.
“The kid is in here,” shouted one of the men who had stormed into the house in masks.
That was unusual as we always lived just the three of us, my parents and I. I tried to scream for
rescue, but the men told me that no one would hear me because my parents had been taken away
and I was going to help them with some work. Being a judge by profession, my dad had to put
some bad guys away, and sometimes not everybody was happy about it. He was about to convict
a murderer, and the gang that operated under the leader were not happy about it. The men told
me that I was going to be in custody for a short time while they made sure that my father did the
right thing. I thought it was only a joke until I was put through to speak to my dad on the phone.
Still on the road, I could not resist the temptation to ask where mom was. “This is going to be
one hell of a family reunion,” answered one of the men in a mask.
I arrived at some warehouse with my mom tied to a seat and a television screen in front
of us. All this seemed kind of weird considering that the family was humble and never crossed
JUST ANOTHER DREAM
3
any redundant paths before. The court session came, and the final bit of the trial commenced.
With guns pointed at our heads, our lives were entirely on dad’s hands. “You can all sit,” said
my father. The session began. “As you all know, it is our responsibility as the justice department
to ensure that the country remains safe for a better future and the bigger good of this nation,” he
continued. “Having reviewed all the evidence and listened to the pleas presented before this
court, I find the accused guilty of murder,” he concluded. Everyone knew this was a 25 to life
incarceration. “Kill them both,” the leader of the kidnappers shouted. The two men holding the
nine-millimeter guns cocked their guns. “Mum…,” I whispered softly. “Not again, it is time for
school. You better get up,” mom replied. I still cannot believe that a dream could get that messed
up. But then I thought, the law will always be the law.
Running Head: JUST ANOTHER DREAM
1
Smarthinking Tutor Response Form
Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also
embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing
Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello Valerie! I am Dipti K. I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to
improve your writing today. Let’s get started!
*Writing Strength:
You begin your paper with,
“Mondays, not my favorite day of the week. I never had a reason to hate the day, but something
always seemed wrong about the first working day or school day, in my case, of the week. Despite the
usual negative attitude towards the day, there was something explicitly malicious about one Monday
morning during the summer period.”
The above lines provide a good background to readers before they get into your discussion. The
background information helps to take the readers smoothly into your narrative.
Good job!
*Valerie 9011095 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
There is no thesis in your paper. A thesis hints at the incident that a writer plans to discuss in his/her
paper.
In your paper, you write:
Sometimes I wished I learned all other words first with school trailing the list of my vocabulary.
What is the main idea of your narrative? Which incident do you discuss in your paper? How did the
incident influence you?
Let me give you an example of a thesis to help you to understand my point better:
The experience of childbirth made me realize what I valued most in life and helped me set my
priorities better.
The above thesis indirectly hints at the topic of the writer’s narrative which is the experience of
childbirth. This grabs the attention of the readers and makes them curious to read about the details of
her experience.
I suggest that you use the answers to the given questions, and follow the given thesis model to frame
a thesis for your paper.
Here is a link that will provide you with some more information on the thesis. Developing a Thesis.
JUST ANOTHER DREAM
2
*Valerie 9011095 has requested that you respond to the Organization:
In your paper, there should be a smooth movement from one section to the other. In other words,
there should be a smooth transition from one idea to the other. So, let me guide you in organizing
your content to achieve this smooth flow of ideas.
In your paper, you conclude the first body paragraph with, “Still on the road, I could not resist the
temptation to ask where mom was. “This is going to be one hell of a family reunion,” answered one of
the men in a mask.”
In the next line, you write, “I arrived at some warehouse with my mom tied to a seat and a television
screen in front of us.”
Thus, you briskly jump from one point to the other which might confuse the reader. So, you need to
establish a link between these two points. What is the connection between the words of the kidnapper
about your family reunion and your mother and you being put up in a warehouse?
Let me explain with the help of an example.
If I am concluding one paragraph with, “Thus, excessive use of technology affects personal
relationships.”
Then, I begin the next paragraph with, “Apart from the effect on personal relations, excessive
dependability on technology might also prove risky.”
Do you observe how the first sentence which ends the previous paragraph has a smooth flow into the
second one because the ideas are linked?
While submitting your next draft, develop the paragraphs following this logic.
Introduction/Conclusion:
Your essay ends abruptly without any concluding paragraph. Adding appropriate conclusion gives an
effective closure to the essay.
In your current draft, you conclude your essay with,
““Mum…,” I whispered softly. “Not again, it is time for school. You better get up,” mom replied. I still
cannot believe that a dream could get that messed up. But then I thought, the law will always be the
law.”
This sentence does not give a sense of closure to the essay.
There should be a separate concluding paragraph towards the end that will highlight the importance of
the incident to you.
What effect does the incident of kidnap have on you? How did it change you? What are the lessons
that your readers can learn from your narrative?
Answering these questions will help you to provide an effective closure to the essay. For more hints
and information on conclusions, click on: Strong Conclusions.
JUST ANOTHER DREAM
3
Summary of Next Steps:
Develop a thesis for your next draft.
Establish links between the points when you move from one paragraph to another.
Include a concluding paragraph in your paper.
Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Valerie. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the
revision process. Have a good day! –Dipti K.
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s
Handbook.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below.
Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
Just another Dream: Kidnapped by Raiders
Valerie Martinez
Saint Leo University
JUST ANOTHER DREAM
4
Mondays, not my favorite day of the week. I never had a reason to hate the day, but
something always seemed wrong about the first working day or school day, in my case, of the
week. Despite the usual negative attitude towards the day, there was something explicitly
malicious about one Monday morning during the summer period. I woke up, and the sun was up,
and I figured out I was already late for school. This was unusual as mom always woke me up
earlier than other kids to ensure that I made it to school on time because I was too stubborn when
it came to getting out of bed. Every child at my age perceives that as normal, and so there was no
big deal about my reluctance to embrace a new day. Moreover, the school was not one of my
favorite landing spots at the moment, and neither was it my favorite English word in the course
of my learning. Sometimes I wished I learned all other words first with school trailing the list of
my vocabulary. [This is a good place to put down a thesis. A thesis at the end of an
introduction informs the readers about the main idea of a discussion and prepares them for
the further discussion.]
“The kid is in here,” shouted one of the men who had stormed into the house in masks.
That was unusual as we always lived just the three of us, my parents and I. I tried to scream for
rescue, but the men told me that no one would hear me because my parents had been taken away
and I was going to help them with some work. [Here, you missed a comma before a
JUST ANOTHER DREAM
5
coordinating conjunction “and”. When the conjunctions like for, and, nor, but, yet, so join
two independent sentences, a comma is used before that conjunction. Rectify the error by
following this example: They were not very rich, but they were very happy.] Being a judge by
profession, my dad had to put some bad guys away, and sometimes not everybody was happy
about it. He was about to convict a murderer, and the gang that operated under the leader were
not happy about it. The men told me that I was going to be in custody for a short time while they
made sure that my father did the right thing. I thought it was only a joke until I was put through
to speak to my dad on the phone. Still on the road, I could not resist the temptation to ask where
mom was. “This is going to be one hell of a family reunion,” answered one of the men in a mask.
I arrived at some warehouse with my mom tied to a seat and a television screen in front
of us. All this seemed kind of weird considering that the family was humble and never crossed
any redundant paths before. [Which family do you talk about here? Is it your family? You
need to make the family clear to clarify the situation to the readers.] The court session came,
and the final bit of the trial commenced. With guns pointed at our heads, our lives were entirely
on dad’s hands. “You can all sit,” said my father. The session began. “As you all know, it is our
responsibility as the justice department to ensure that the country remains safe for a better future
and the bigger good of this nation,” he continued. “Having reviewed all the evidence and listened
to the pleas presented before this court, I find the accused guilty of murder,” he concluded.
Everyone knew this was a 25 to life incarceration. “Kill them both,” the leader of the kidnappers
shouted. The two men holding the nine-millimeter guns cocked their guns. “Mum…,” I
whispered softly. “Not again, it is time for school. You better get up,” mom replied. I still cannot
believe that a dream could get that messed up. But then I thought, the law will always be the law.
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