hello, my teacher give me the comments is that:Dear Jiacheng,I have received a draft from you, but it isn’t quite fulfilling the requirements of the assignment at this time. You chose a wonderful place for the assignment, but please keep in mind that this paper should have several sections:1.) two descriptions (at least 1 or 2 well-developed paragraphs each) of the same exact place at the same exact time, one positive in tone/perspective and one negative in tone/perspective.* Right now, you have submitted two descriptions, but I can’t follow the point of view at all. This should be written from your perspective, but it seems like that of a horse? A horse riding with cars? More specific and contrasting description of the same specific place at one same specific time would be helpful. When you correct this problem, it will also give you more examples to discuss in your rhetorical analysis.2.) a rhetorical analysis section (at least 400-500 words in length), in which you analyze how you used the five rhetorical tools in the Writer’s Toolbox to make one description seem so positive and the other seem so negative, even though you were describing the same exact place at the same exact time and not changing any facts.* Right now, you have submitted something for this section, but it isn’t really functioning as a rhetorical analysis. When you rewrite this section, I recommend you more clearly and consistently organize the rhetorical analysis section by rhetorical tool, devoting one paragraph to discussion of each of the five rhetorical tools (and providing more specific examples and explanation of how you used each feature). For instance, you might devote one paragraph to direct statement of meaning, then a paragraph to word choice, then a paragraph to figurative language…and so on. It would also be helpful to begin each new paragraph in the rhetorical analysis with a basic topic sentence (e.g.: I used a direct statement of meaning in each of my two descriptions as well), before you offer your examples. This will make it easier for the reader to follow your movement from idea to idea.3.) a final reflection section (at least 1 well-developed paragraph or at least roughly 100-125 words) in which you reflect on what completing the above descriptions and analysis has taught you. * This section is right on track. Good job!can you help me fix it ?TWO TALES OF A ROUNDABOUT
The air felt like a soothing squeeze to the nostrils, which opened wide to inhale more
gallops. The mid-afternoon breeze reminded me of the cool winds that blow across the
Amazon. My skin could even feel the winds blowing, making the body hair to rise in
obedience. My oval-shaped ears, which most rightly referred to as oval, could hear the
breeze wheeze past them, in rhythmic succession that could form a lyrical poem. My legs
were trying to flow with the speed at which the cars were moving, at times fast and at times
so slow that a snail would envy them. The giant traffic lights erected at the centre of the
little island created by the roundabout. They seemed to exert such an immeasurable
influence, more than an invading force may have on harmless, unarmed and unsuspecting
civilians. The way their colors changed from red to orange then finally to green, back and
forth, reminded me of the school routine while in boarding school. The cars would, as if
having an innate connection with the colors obeyed without any objection, whether as a
sign of helplessness or simply despair, the difference could not be told. The vehicles formed
an undiscovered rainbow. They varied in size and in color, some large others small with a
wide ray of colors in display. The tarmac seemed to have resigned to its fate of helplessness
as it bore the burden of the countless vehicles that were in transit and a handful of
passengers who for one reason or the other, seemed to have an attitude that suggested that
they had mastered the art of meandering between the lines of vehicles formed yet quietly
knew the finality of the traffic lights. The sky seemed clear, with pockets of sky blue clouds
and countable birds that seemed to enjoy the spectacle that was below them. The blaring
sounds from the vehicles, the helpless tarmac road, the countable chirping birds and the
occasional music blazing from some vehicles all combined to form a soothing feeling of a
roundabout in a cosmopolitan city.
Yet amidst all this, there was the occasional scream of a pedestrian who has escaped a
near death experience. This was mostly followed by the screeching of tires and then
exchange of bitter and regrettable words ensuing in some instances. In the short period I
had been staring at a distance, I had labeled them nasty situations. The moving coffins,
represented by the vehicles, carried untold tales of people who will never tell tales again.
Well, dead men tell no tales. I wondered how many more would suffer from the wrath or
the ruthlessness of the roundabout and its cohorts. As my mind started fathoming this, a
distance siren could be heard with its spotlights indicating danger. Then as I looked past
the roundabout, I saw a crowd milling towards a helpless soul that seemed still, unknown
of the conscious. As I rose, I knew that the roundabout had claimed another one, an
innocent being robbed a chance to savor the roundabout and its bemusing misery one more
I chose the roundabout to tell about its two tales. I am amazed at how all the vehicles
that pass through the roundabout are able to do all that. The opening sentence shows how
air, coming from the passing vehicles and the mid-morning breeze, which made my nostrils
rise to inhale the air. I preferred to use the roundabout because it shows how people often
take some things for granted. The opening sentence set the pace for the rest of the paragraph.
It showed how the roundabout has influence even in its silence. The traffic lights, which
only show color, illustrate this and the motorists have to interpret what the color means and
follow its guidance. I discuss my observation of the roundabout in a manner that I point
out the various common stuff that people see but do not feel their effect. This includes the
role played by the tarmac road, which is personified to show the burden it bears of carrying
all the road users. The tone, which I use to tell my observations in a pleasant manner, is
that of discovery, detail and bemusement. I introduce pedestrians in the first paragraph and
showing how they have known to use the roads with the vehicles too. This helps to maintain
the mood of the paragraph as pleasant and how the motorists obey traffic rules thus this
makes the roundabout appear harmless and a safer refuge to everyone. The use of other
phrases such as blazing music and rhythmic succession shows a situation whereby all the
activities are in control and maintain the mood of the pleasant paragraph.
However, the subsequent paragraph that dwells with the negative starts with
introducing the other tale of the roundabout. It shows how beneath the spectacle of the
roundabout the hand of death is concealed. This is revealed by the reference of the vehicles
as moving coffins to show the immense danger they pose to all other road users. It is a
metaphor that illustrates the careless nature with which the vehicles are driven thus causing
danger to all road users. It shows that no one is safe on the roads with such careless drivers.
The siren is used to show the ambulance which comes to help those in need of help due to
accidents caused by disregard of traffic rules. The use of metaphors and personification
helps to hide the severity of the road accidents while still bringing out the message that
there must be accountability in the use of roads. The phrase, dead men tell no tales show
how lives have been lost due to the use of roads inappropriately. The people whose dreams
have been snatched and their hopes dashed are given a voice in the negative paragraph.
The two tales of a roundabout illustrate how contradiction exists under the same layer. It
shows how the good can be surpassed by the bad if proper caution is not taken care of. It
subtly urges for proper use of roads so as to avert the current challenges and save many
lives currently lost on roads.
While writing this assignment, I noticed how easy we ignore the beauty that exists
amongst us. I chose to focus on the positives that I saw on our roads such as the power of
traffic lights. They do not talk or give directions but their display of color is a sign that is
interpreted to offer specific instructions to road users. This really intrigues me. I wondered
how such power can be harnessed and applied in other sectors of our life. I also noticed
just how ignorant some people can be. This can be rightly seen in people who choose to
disregard traffic rules and as a result, make vehicles ‘moving coffins’. Then my heart
reached out to all the shattered dreams due to this carelessness. Then I realized that there
are people who see the roundabout and are mesmerized by its beauty while there are those
who view it with disdain and bitterness. I also concluded that the mainstream media, both
printed and televisions do not truly report the true value of obeying traffic rules. I also felt
that they do not do enough to play their role as means of passing sensitive information to
people on road use. I decided to horn my skills and maybe come to address this issue in a
more comprehensive manner.
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